- (SEAGULLS CRY) - (OCEAN WAVES CRASH)
MAN: Uno, dos, one, two, tres, cuatro!
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)
Hey, wooly bully
Watch it now, watch it
Here it comes Here it comes
Watch it now He gets you
Matty told Hatty
About a thing she saw
It had two big horns
And a wooly jaw
Wooly bully
That's right
Wooly bully, wooly bully
Wooly bully
Hatty told Matty
Let's don't take no chance
Let's not be L seven
Come and learn to dance
Wooly bully
Wooly bully, wooly bully Wooly bully
Watch it now Watch it, watch it
Hey
Hey, that's right
Right, right, right
(FERRY WHISTLE)
Hey, wooly bully Watch it now
Here it comes Here it comes
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Matty told Hatty
About a thing she saw...
- Freddie! - I dropped something.
Ralph, talk to him.
Listen to your father.
Come on. From there we can see Cape Cod.
We were just on Cape Cod.
We could have stayed there. I would've saved $12.
Allen, don't you want to see Cape Cod?
All right, darling. You know where we are if you change your mind.
Allen!
- (ALARM BELL) - (WHISTLE)
Oh, my God!
(BELL RINGING)
Thanks a lot. Thanks.
You okay, Allen? Lend me a towel. A towel. Thanks.
Why did you do that?
Come on, son.
(FERRY WHISTLE)
WOMAN ON PA: Augie, pick up line four, please.
Where are my cherries?
Mr. McCullough, they came in,
but there was a fog upstate and the highway...
Where are my cherries?
If I don't have my cherries in five minutes,
you don't get your money and you starve and you die.
Jerry?
Jerry, where the hell are McCullough's cherries?
They're here, but you gotta take a look at this stuff.
Ah, Mr. McCullough, be right back.
Where are my cherries?
Augie, where the hell did you grow these things? Under your arms?
Jesus, snails with stems. Forget it. Get them outta here!
- George, get them out of here. - You got it.
Bauer. Thank you. Honey, what's up?
We get a lot of rain and the cherries get a little slime.
- I can't hear you. - You agreed to take these off our hands.
- When the hell did I agree to that? - Not you, your brother.
Ah, all right.
Victoria, I can't hear you.
What I'm doing is important, too. I'll call you right back.
My brother bought your slimy cherries?
Yeah. Me and Freddie. We were playing poker.
He had two pair. I had a flush.
He had no cash, so we worked this out.
(TIRES SCREECH)
(CAR RADIO PLAYING)
Who put this goddamn fruit here?
I'm all right, if anyone's concerned.
Good morning, Freddie.
Allen! Allen!
- I want a simple "yes" or "no." - One more second, Mr. McCullough.
I made it. I'm in Penthouse magazine. They printed my letter!
- They printed my letter. - Listen, I'm very happy.
I'm in the Forum section.
The story's entitled A Lesbian No More.
They printed every word I wrote. It's a beautiful story.
Here. I want copies for everybody.
Augie, good to see you!
Great game. We gotta do that more.
- Freddie, can we talk? - Great poker player.
- Cheats like a son of a bitch! - Freddie, you and I have to talk.
Missing petty cash? It was the cleaning girl.
I don't care about that.
- You don't? - No.
Then it was me. I admit the whole thing.
Well, I still don't care about it, Freddie.
I love this guy! Do you hear me? I love him.
- Gimme a kiss. - Oh, Freddie.
Give your older brother a kiss.
What's the matter? You're too big to...
I love this guy's head.
Curly, here's a buck. Wash my car.
Bauer! Where are my...
McCullough, your cherries, yes.
Believe me when I tell you this.
You're not gonna be satisfied with what we have for you.
Okay, Bauer. You're ruined! Everyone's gonna know you left me dry.
You're finished, you're a ghost in this business.
- How'd you like bananas at cost? - Deal!
Jerry, set up our friend, Mr. McCullough, bananas at cost.
Allen, wait. I've got to get out early.
Gee, right. Today's the big day.
Don't forget. Ushers have to be early, too.
- I'll be there. - Okay.
WOMAN ON PA: Will someone get those Jonathans off the truck?
Any messages, Mrs. Stimler?
Yes.
What are they?
Huh? Oh...
Your father called. He wants you to call him back.
Mrs. Stimler, our father passed away five years ago.
Remember?
Right.
Should I get him for you?
No, no. We'll... I'll take care of it.
You just get back to work.
What's with her?
A little accident over the weekend.
Got hit in the head by some lightning.
It's not funny, Freddie! It's not funny.
I'm sorry. That's not funny. That's not funny.
Besides, she can still do certain things around the office.
Like jump-start a car?
(LAUGHING) Jump-start a car!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What the hell are you doing down here?
Maybe I went to the "Club A" last night.
Something new for you.
Maybe I met Mr. Buyrite, owner of Buyrite Supermarkets.
Maybe we had a few drinks.
And maybe, just maybe, we're his new produce suppliers.
I'm proud of you. That's great! Which store?
Not which store, the whole chain.
I hope you are joking with me right now.
Think big, be big, my friend.
He was a green beret colonel.
I made up a story about you being wounded in Nam
and he wants to do business.
Now he's coming this morning to check out the operation.
This morning? Great, Freddie. It's only chaos down here.
Augie brings me slimy cherries from upstate.
So what? So what?
Jerry's getting married tomorrow.
- So what? - Did you realize that?
I was out drinking with this bum all night long.
- I have to pick up my tuxedo. - I'm busting my buns.
All the way up on East 77th Street.
Come on, you can handle this deal. Come on, relax.
Yeah, I'll handle it fine.
Your desk looks like a pigsty. Do what I do...
I have a system on the desk.
- (BUZZER) - Phone for you.
Yes? All right. Thank you.
Hi, Victoria. I'm sorry.
I meant to call you back. I forgot.
What's the matter? Your voice sounds funny.
What? Now?
You're moving out of the apartment now?
While we're talking on the phone.
Yeah, I know we were going to talk about it.
Victoria, this is a little impulsive, don't you think?
If we were married, you wouldn't just move out like this.
- She might do that. Sure. - Will you get off!
- Was that you? - Get off the phone!
- I'm so sorry! - No, no, no. Not you, Victoria.
I didn't know you were on the phone.
(DOOR CLOSES)
What do you mean, do I love you?
Well, I...
Well, we met and...
You moved in, didn't you?
Well, it's just a very complicated thing.
Hey, do you love me?
Well, there you go.
There she went.
WOMAN: What a huge wedding.
(CHURCH BELLS)
Cindy, hi.
- How are you? - How are you?
Excuse me.
You look so pretty!
Darn! My flash never works!
Figures. My mother-in-law gave it to me.
ALLEN: Get up!
What? What?
It was embarrassing when you were 10, Freddie.
Look, if something works for me, I stick with it!
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I got to get more involved with business, and I intend to.
I mean that this time. I'm going to. I know the business.
I was there at the beginning with Dad, remember?
I just wanna know if we sell fruit and vegetables, or is it just fruit?
By the time I came home, she was already gone.
- Victoria left, huh? - Yeah.
You know why she left me, Freddie?
Because I didn't love her.
That bitch.
Hi. Anywhere but the first three rows.
- Anywhere but the first three rows. - Hey!
Hi, Freddie. Hey, Allen, where's Victoria?
She's sick, and she can't make it.
That's too bad. I'm sorry.
Why I didn't love her, Freddie? Can you answer me that?
Why I didn't love her? I mean, she had everything.
She was bright, she was sensitive, she was beautiful.
- Hey, Allen! - Hi.
Where's Victoria?
Flu. Bad flu. She's very sick.
And she can't make it because of the flu.
- Give her my love. - You bet! Sure.
I can't even give her my love, Freddie.
I'm telling you. Something in here is not working.
There are worse organs not to be working. Ha!
Hi, guys. Bauer, where's that pretty lady of yours?
She's not coming! Okay?
What? Do you want your money back?
Well, I don't know. Maybe it's all for the best.
- Hey, Allen. - She left me!
She moved out. My life's a shambles, okay?
That's the news. You want the weather?
Anywhere but the first three rows!
You should really lighten up on the guy. That's the bride's brother.
You see, drinking is really a matter of algebraic ratios.
How drunk you get depends on how much alcohol you consume
in relation to your total body weight.
You see my point? It's not that you had a lot to drink,
it's just that you're too skinny.
- Marceau, more drinks here, please. - No.
Freddie, I don't want to get drunk.
But you are drunk.
You see, a sober person would have reached for the pretzels.
- Is he going to be there long? - I don't know.
- Oh, I'm on the bar. - You're on the bar.
Come on, off the bar.
This stool is in your way. Let me move that for you.
Oh, oh, you fell.
That hurt. You're not having a good day, are you?
Wasn't that a beautiful wedding ceremony?
That was a beautiful ceremony.
It was. It really was.
- The most gorgeous ceremony... - A lovely...
(GROWLS)
- How are you doing? - Fine.
The fabulous Freddie Bauer here.
Where did you get those?
My grandmother. She left them to me.
She did? They're beautiful.
Thank you.
Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
You guys are in love, aren't you?
We just met.
That doesn't matter. I know about these things.
I can see. I can tell.
You two guys, you're in love. And I think that's beautiful.
Thanks.
Listen. I don't live too far from here.
Why don't we just go to my place for a quiet drink?
Do I expect too much out of life?
My dress! I can't believe this.
- I'm sorry. - Hey, what are you doing?
Both of you. You're both crazy!
I'm sorry. Look...
I don't ask that much, do I?
I don't ask to be famous, I don't ask to be rich,
I don't ask to play center field for the New York Yankees or anything.
I just want to meet a woman. I wanna meet a woman.
And I wanna fall in love, and I wanna get married.
And I want to have a kid,
and I want to go see him play a tooth in the school play.
It's not much.
But I'm kidding myself.
It's never going to happen.
I'm going to grow old,
and grow lonely, and I'm gonna die,
and I'll be surrounded by a bunch of rotten fruit.
- Freddie? - No kidding!
Freddie?
Allen! I want you to meet some friends of mine.
This is Tawny, and this is Jill.
- I'm Tawny. - You're Tawny, Tawny Tiger!
And this is Jill, a four-letter word.
- This is my brother, Allen. - Hi.
- Freddie, can I talk to you? - Absolutely.
- Excuse me. - Sure.
I'll be right back. We'll whisper some more.
I've got some whispering for you!
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Pack your bags. Tonight, my man, we're going to Rio!
These girls have got a time-sharing condominium.
We're gonna share some time with them.
No, Freddie, I'm going to Cape Cod.
What are you talking about? Cape Cod?
Why would you go to Cape Cod?
I don't know. Because I like Cape Cod, Freddie.
I feel better up there.
I look at the water and I feel closer to something.
- Cape Cod over Rio? Are you all right? - Yeah.
- Let me drive you up there. - No, no.
- You got enough money? - I've got plenty.
- Yeah? - Thanks.
Can I have some then?
(TAPPING)
- Where to? - Cape Cod, Massachusetts.
(TIRES SCREECH)
You break that, you pay for it.
Well, I'm sorry. I usually enjoy smashing the glass with my face.
Okay. Cape Cod. That's about 300 miles. You got the cash?
What is this?
- (CRICKETS CHIRP) - (FROGS CROAK)
WALTER: Careful with that.
Be careful with that!
What do you think you're loading? This is delicate scientific equipment.
Hold it. Put it down. You see that? It says, "This end up."
Know what that means? This end up!
Why don't you try holding that end up?
All right, get away!
I'll do it myself. Get away. Give me a hand.
Easy.
- Move that... - Excuse me.
- Morning. - Morning.
Ah, I was dropped off on the wrong side of the beach.
Could you take me over to the island?
Well, ah, we're not...
We're not going...
We're taking the boat. We're not going out there!
Have you seen anyone else along this beach?
No, just me and the moron twins.
We're not twins.
- What is all this stuff? - I knew it!
Who sent you up here? Dr. Ross from Chicago?
Who's Dr. Ross from Chicago?
Who's Dr. Ross? You're very good.
I suppose you're some harmless beachcomber
who happens to wear a tuxedo!
How dare you try and horn in on someone else's research!
I'm just a guy...
Walter Kornbluth is not to be taken advantage of.
Just stay out of my way, sonny.
All right, let's move out!
A guy down the beach runs people out to the island.
What's the name?
The guy or the island?
I'll find him.
(BOAT MOTOR)
What's the matter? You look nervous.
Yeah. The truth is, Fat Jack, I don't know how to swim.
- You can't swim? - No, sir.
Then you wouldn't want me to do this.
Stop! Ah, don't!
Please, cut it out! There's water coming in the boat!
I'm just having a little fun.
Well, don't.
(MOTOR SPUTTERS)
What is that? What's the matter?
When I rocked the boat, I must have got water in the engine.
I can fix it. I'm mechanical.
(HAMMERING)
Did you fix it?
No. I'll go back for the other boat.
What?
Where are you going, Mr. Fat Jack?
Back to the dock. It's only a few miles.
I can swim it. I'll be back with the little boat.
The little boat?
I knew it. I knew that guy was spying on me.
I want to go down!
Mr. Cornbeef?
Kornbluth!
Whatcha looking for down there?
Buried treasure?
Want to know what I'm looking for?
I'll tell you.
None of your goddamn business, that's what!
Get out of my way!
Let's pee down his air hose.
(LAUGHTER)
You get that.
Piece of shit.
- (SCREAMS) - (BOAT MOTOR)
(GASPING)
(BOAT MOTOR)
Ahh!
(GASPING)
Ah, gee.
(BANG)
Ohhh!
Ohh.
(SPITTING)
Ouch!
Ouch.
(MOANS)
Hello.
You have any idea how I got here?
Did you save me?
Ah, do you speak English?
Hey! Come back!
Hey, come back! Please.
Just tell me who you are.
I've gotta talk to you. Can I call you? What's your number?
I don't know how to swim.
I don't know how to swim! Come back.
Why didn't I learn how to swim? Please, just...
(GASPS)
It's a mermaid. It's her!
(SHOUTS) Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Don't go.
Come back.
I gotta take your picture.
Hold it.
(HONKING)
(CHATTERING)
Hi, Mrs. Stimler.
Hi. What happened to your head?
- Lightning? - No, a boat hit me.
- Mrs. Stimler? - Yes?
- Nothing. - So nice to have you back.
MAN: Welcome to the Statue of Liberty.
The statue is a gift from French citizens.
It has come to symbolize hope for oppressed people.
Over the past century, she has seen the skyline,
which once she dwarfed, rise in mountains of stone and steel.
If you'll go inside, the tour will continue.
Come on. Here we go. Let's go. We're backing up.
You've got feet, use them!
Don't touch my hat. Do not ever touch my hat. That's it.
Up, up, up, up, up, up. Okay.
Welcome to the Statue of Liberty.
The statue is a gift from French citizens.
It has come to symbolize hope for naked women everywhere.
Bocci balls!
- (SCREAMS) - Hey, hey.
Come on. Don't be doing that.
Take a picture of me, Vinnie. Vinnie, take my picture.
You get it? You get it!
The statue was a gift from French people.
Get out of the way. What's going on?
Okay, miss. This ain't California. We don't go for this.
(BOOING)
(BOAT WHISTLE)
What's your name?
She don't speak no English.
And you do?
Here. She was carrying this.
What's this?
Who's this guy?
Is that enough? Do you want some more?
That's all we can handle. Let's talk terms.
He doesn't have the slightest clue what's going on.
Don't worry. We'll move it out in the morning.
Bauer. Your brother told me about your unfortunate experience in Vietnam.
Huh?
The incident in Vietnam. Remember?
The grenade still bother you? You're wearing a bandage.
Page him. Hey, Al?
- Yeah? - Phone.
Um, excuse me.
Thanks, Jerry. Yeah?
Allen Bauer. Speaking.
Yeah. On my way!
I believe this...
Allen, where are you going?
Allen!
- What happened? - Telephone.
He was on the phone in Nam when the grenade went off.
Ever since then, he runs, gets in a car, and drives away.
- Oh. - I don't know why. It just happens.
- Oh. - Let's review this.
(SIREN)
Pardon me. Excuse me!
- (BELL RINGS) - Mr. Police Officer?
Hey! Take it easy.
What do you want?
My name's Allen Bauer. You guys called me.
Any of you guys call for an Allen Bauer?
Bauer. Yeah. That's for her.
Right over there.
Hi.
I take it you know this girl?
Yeah, I do.
Who is she?
I don't know.
Of course.
Afternoon. You're home early.
Yeah.
Uh, that doorway spins.
Want to get this fixed, Timmy?
- Hi. - Hello.
ALLEN: (SINGING) Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-ay
Mr. Bluebird's on my shoulder
It's the truth, it's actual Everything is satisfactual
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-ay
My, oh, my What a wonderful day
Room service. I didn't know what you liked,
so I got you a choice. Fruity Pebbles, pancakes...
No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I've got to get back to work. That will keep you company.
When I come back from work, we'll get some dinner,
and pick you up some clothes.
Not that you don't look spectacular in my robe.
Okay? Bye-bye.
No. Please.
You're gonna put me in the hospital.
It's about 3:00. I really have to get back.
You are wonderful.
Bye-bye. Bye.
(TV PLAYING)
Things don't get started again until 4:00.
Let's not be so choosy with these onions.
Some of these are perfectly good onions.
ALLEN: Everybody, zip-a-dee-doo-dah!
(SINGING) Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-ay
My, oh, my What a wonderful day
Plenty of sunshine heading my way
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-ay
Mr. Mango on my shoulder
Freddie, dance with me!
Please, not in front of the teamsters.
Come on, they're happy guys.
You're a rotten lead.
I've got the Buyrite contracts ready.
- Want to check them? - No.
You check them. You know the business.
- So I'm in charge? - Sure.
What about the lawyer's meeting at 8:00?
8:00 p.m.? That's too late for me.
I'm going upstairs and take a nap.
Wake me when it's time to go home.
Zip-a-dee...
Jerry, handle those for me!
TV ANNOUNCER: Anne Klein.
Bloomingdale's.
Anne Klein.
Bloomingdale's.
The Anne Klein Collection, available at Bloomingdale's.
Can I help you?
Can't you talk?
- Bloomingdale's? - Sure. Hey!
Oh, my God.
Darling. Darling.
Darling! That outfit, it's to die from.
What happened? You saw Annie Hall 100 times?
That look is over.
You want to try that on?
Who knows? Maybe it's you.
I couldn't get one leg in there.
My daughter is lucky. She's anorexic.
Please call again. Don't forget these.
Do yourself a favor and stop in the lingerie department.
A pretty girl like you shouldn't wear boxer shorts.
BOY: Let me try!
TV ANNOUNCER: Colgate Winterfresh Gel...
And now, we continue with Capitol.
Wear the adjustable-angle mascara by Revlon.
Maximum fluoride protection in a great-tasting gel.
It's Crazy Eddie's greatest clearance sale ever!
Crazy Eddie's slashing prices...
Stereo equipment, video equipment, color TV's, car stereos, CB's, phones,
disco equipment and professional products,
plus a selection of floor samples and demonstrators...
Priced at or below cost.
It's Crazy Eddie's greatest sale ever,
going on right now with prices that are insane!
Crazy Eddie, 12 great locations.
Manhattan, the Bronx, Brooklyn, Syosset, Paramus,
East Brunswick, Union, Westchester, Westbury and Norwalk.
(HUMMING)
(SINGING) Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Hello?
I'm home!
(DING)
- I'm looking for a girl, Timmy. - 200 bucks.
No, the blonde I came in with.
- Oh, she left. - Any idea where?
- I put her in a cab. - To where, Timmy?
- Bloomingdale's. - Bloomingdale's. Great. Thanks.
Yo! Hey, taxi! Hey!
Halt, taxi, please!
She works hard for the money
Come on, come on. Let's go!
She works hard for the money so you better treat her right
Excuse me, miss, we're getting ready to close.
She's been here for six hours.
Excuse me, miss.
I'm going to insist that you stop doing that.
She's exercising.
Give her a minute.
Sir, we're closing.
I know. Just give me three minutes.
- Come back. - Three minutes. You can time me!
Oh, thank God.
Excuse me. Do you know this woman?
Yeah. Just don't ask me her name.
We've been trying to tell her it's closing time,
but she doesn't seem to understand.
That's because she doesn't speak English.
Hello, Allen. How was your day?
I never went to college, but wasn't that English?
Thank you for letting me use your television.
It was very educational.
It's all right, miss.
What's your name?
It's hard to say in English.
Well, just say it in your language.
All right. My name is...
(SCREECHING)
Hey, how 'bout those Knicks?
I'm confused why you haven't said anything until now.
I didn't know English.
I see. Now you do?
I learned from television. It's wonderful!
I'll ask questions and if you answer correctly,
you can win one of these prizes.
A wall clock, matching washer and dryer,
or a brand-new car!
Let me go first, okay?
Who are you? Where are you from?
Begin when you were born and finish when you blew up the TVs.
Pretty.
Well, yeah. I've never thought about it before.
Are you from Cape Cod?
No, I'm from another place.
Yeah? I've got a cousin from there. Ha-ha-ha.
Are you an American?
No.
Then why were you in Cape Cod and now New York?
How did the cops find you naked?
What's that?
What? The music?
I like music! I heard some in the television,
Dance Fever.
Hey, I love you, girl
Darling
Ah, hi, hi.
We better go, hon, or else we'll be late.
You never heard music?
What's that?
- Ah... - (CAR HORN)
- (CRASH) - Oh, gosh!
What's that?
It's a movie theater.
What the hell you doin'? You could've got me killed!
Cut her some slack. She's from out of town.
Keep her on a leash.
Yeah, yeah. Have a nice day.
Hello?
Did you see this?
It's wonderfully delicious and so good for you.
While you're here, watch a little less TV.
How long are you going to be in town?
Six fun-filled days.
Oh, six days.
Is that all?
Six days,
and the moon is full.
Oh.
The moon is full.
If I stay longer than that, I can't ever go back.
Oh, I get... What?
Is there some sort of immigration problem?
Where did you get that?
Where? Oh, for...
Sir? Here you are, sir. There you go.
I'm going to have to call you something in English,
because I can't pronounce... What?
What are English names?
There's millions of them, I guess.
Jennifer, Joanie, Hillary.
Careful. Those are hot.
Names, names. Linda, Kim...
Where are we? Madison.
- Elizabeth, Samantha... - I like Madison.
Madison's not a name.
Well, all right. Madison it is.
Good thing we weren't at 149th Street.
Are we going back to where you live?
Okay, um, here's the thing.
I was going to find you a hotel,
but I figure that after this afternoon...
Well, I just assumed that...
Would you mind staying with me?
I want to stay with you.
You're the reason I came here.
Ah, that was a kiss.
I know.
Madison?
- Madison? - Allen?
Yeah, of course it's Allen.
What are you doing, sweetheart?
Taking a bath.
Ooo, ooo. Can I come in?
No!
(CLUNK)
What was that?
Madison, are you all right?
Everything's fine.
Then let me in.
I'll be right there. I'm just changing.
Enough! Open the door. Something is wrong.
Allen, can you make me some pancakes?
Make you some... Madison!
All right, Madison, this is getting scary.
Either open this door, or I'll break it down!
- No, Allen, please. - All right, that's it!
- Allen, no! - Ow.
Hi.
Hi. Are you okay?
Yeah.
Why wouldn't you let me in?
I was shy.
You were shy?
After the car, elevator, bedroom,
and top of the refrigerator, you were shy?
I was shy.
She was shy.
(GARBLED SHOUTS)
(GASPING)
Hey, B.B. Brain!
- Yeah? - See this hose?
- It's so I can breathe. - Uh-huh.
You want to get your chair off it?
Huh?
(LAUGHING)
The Star Confidential?
Yeah.
Why are you reading that?
I don't know.
What possesses the uneducated to purchase these?
Interesting.
You're not helping yourself.
You're not... This is not news.
Give me this. You know what's in here?
Nothing. You have sex, perversion.
It's all fabrication. Look at this.
A naked woman at the Statue of Liberty.
Where would they find a girl to do that?
(LAUGHING)
- Ow, my head! - Let me see that.
Take me back to shore. Now!
Hello.
Madison, what is it?
What happened?
(HORSE WHINNYING ON TV PROGRAM)
It's the saddest thing I ever saw.
(TV PLAYS INDISTINCTLY)
It's Bonanza.
The man killed another man and he died in the street.
No, no. This is only TV.
I thought you understood about TV being make-believe.
It's pretend killing that's going on. See, now.
This guy is an actor.
Next week, he'll get shot on another show.
When you think about it, it's kinda funny.
I'm supposed to laugh?
Yeah. There you go.
Yeah.
I got you something.
(SIGHS)
It's beautiful. I love it.
No, you open it.
There's more?
(WALTZ PLAYING)
Do you like that?
Yeah, I do.
I don't know why. Just...
Something about it.
It's always appealed to me.
Do you like the sea?
No. When I was about eight, I had this accident on a ship.
I remember.
What?
Ah, I can't. I forget the words.
What's... I understand.
(CHUCKLES)
Did you get hurt?
No, no, I didn't,
but when I was underwater, I could have sworn I saw...
What?
Nothing.
- What? - Nothing!
I was just a stupid kid.
They're going to tear this park out.
Why?
They're gonna build river-front condos or some such nonsense.
What are you gonna do, huh?
You want to go home?
No, I have five days left!
No, no, no. My home!
Oh.
Yes.
ALLEN: Why do we want to go to a political dinner?
The president will be speaking.
President of what?
President of the Three Stooges Fan Club.
- The president of the United States! - Wow.
I tell you. We'll be rubbing elbows with the big boys.
You think big, you be big.
I guess so.
Listen,
would you mind if I took Madison to this thing instead of going with you?
What?
- What? - What?
Something in here not working?
"Oh, I'll never fall in love, Freddie.
"I can't. It won't work with me."
Who said anything about me being in love?
You haven't been to work in two days.
- So? - Admit it.
- No. - Admit it!
Eye gouge!
(SCREAMS)
Ahhh. Ahhh!
- Admit it. - No.
Bone crusher!
Son of a...
Ow.
How long we been playing?
About five minutes.
Oh, God.
My heart's beating like a rabbit.
You, uh, want a beer?
No, thanks.
So, tell me this.
If you're not in love with her,
how come little things she does drive you crazy so much?
Little things?
Freddie, the woman learned English in a single afternoon.
She could probably speak English already.
I think she was in shock from being arrested, you know.
Now, what about that, huh?
What about a woman showing up naked in a public place, Freddie?
I'm for it, of course.
You said that she had some kind of immigration problem.
She's on an ocean liner in international waters.
And she sees America. It looks good.
So, she greases her body up like a channel swimmer.
She dives in. She has heavy trouble with sharks,
she goes through the Coast Guard, minefields and then she's on shore.
She's okay. That's it.
What about the bathtub,
this moon stuff, and all those TVs?
Look, I'm being serious.
I admit to a few minor fiascos in my love life.
Freddie, you took a date to one of your own weddings!
I'm a free spirit!
I'm extremely liberal, a freewheeling dude.
You know what your problem is? You're in love with this girl.
You're trying to convince yourself you're not.
I just don't know, Freddie.
Something about it isn't right.
I'll serve.
Hold the beer. That will be your handicap.
- Oh, we're gonna play? - Yeah.
I'm gonna teach you a lesson in humility.
Wait.
Humility 101.
- You all set? - Yeah.
Here we go.
Oh!
This is what we came to hear?
You call and tell us
that you have stretched the frontiers of paleontology and zoology.
We interrupt important, serious work to fly here at a moment's notice,
and you give us mermaids!
Don't call us. Call the comic book companies.
Enough. We have a seminar in three weeks. Be ready.
(WHISTLING)
Allen, you're here! I got you a present.
- Don't look. Close your eyes. - I gotta close the door.
What are you doing?
All right.
Okay. Look.
Ha-ha! Wha... You, ah...
Well, that's big!
Yeah, this is...
This is very big, and it's really here.
It's just so big!
They were gonna tear it down, so I bought it for you.
Where did you get the money to pay for it?
Madison, where's your necklace?
I traded it for the statue.
Why?
Because I love you.
Oh, Madison.
Madison, I love...
This, ah, present.
I love it.
And I love you.
DR. ZIDELL: What's happened to you?
You were the brightest student in my class.
True, emotionally, you were 12 years old.
I was 12 years old.
That's right.
Look what you've become,
a schmuck.
There is a mermaid in New York City.
You mean this naked girl?
How come she's got legs?
She has legs out of water and fins in the water.
You taught me that, Dr. Zidell. Remember?
You taught me all the legends.
You used to bring me in the office.
You used to show me charts on the walls
where sailors had claimed they saw mermaids.
Walter, that was for fun, for relaxation, not for you to build your whole life on.
I'm gonna prove to you and everyone else
that that girl is a mermaid!
How?
You gonna get her wet so everybody sees she has fins?
(CHUCKLES)
(INDISTINCT)
(HONKING)
MAN: Taxi?
Oh!
- Watch it! - Hey, watch it, buddy.
WALTER: Excuse me.
Look out.
What does he think he's doing?
Hey! Hey!
(CRYING)
WALTER: Oh, my.
- Ow, ohh, oof! - (PUNCHES LANDING)
(PIANO PLAYING)
- (GRUNT) - (GASP)
Oops.
Nice earrings.
- Is something the matter? - No, nothing at all.
I was thinking. You don't have to leave the country.
- I do. - You don't.
There's stuff we can do to get around the immigration laws.
For instance, I could give you a job down at the market.
You could get a work visa.
Or, uh, you could, uh,
marry, like, an American,
and they have to let you stay.
Our food is here!
Oh. Well, we'll talk about it later.
Do be careful, madam. The plate is very hot.
Thank you. These look terrific.
She's really hungry!
(WALTZ PLAYING)
You were very good.
Come on. Oops. Come on.
Let's sit down and talk.
Ah.
Your nose is cold.
I don't want to talk about my nose.
Your ears are all red!
I don't want to talk about any part of my face.
But I do want to talk about what happened in the restaurant.
I'm sorry.
That's how we eat lobster where I come from.
Oh, no, no, no. I don't care about that.
No. I don't care about that.
I was trying to do something in there, and I guess I did it very badly.
I was trying
to ask you if you wanted to get married.
Madison, will you marry me?
No.
What? No? Just no?
You don't want to think about it, kick it around?
- I can't. - Why?
I can't tell you.
I know you have some big secret you think you can't tell me, but you can.
- You're already married? - Allen.
You're dying? You were once a man?
Whatever it is, I don't care, you can tell me.
Allen.
I only have three days left.
Please make them wonderful.
Okay.
Want to skate some more?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Allen?
You know them?
No, I've just seen them before.
I guess they've been coming here together for about 40 years.
They look very happy.
Why shouldn't they be happy, huh?
They get to spend their whole lives together, don't they?
Is this really what happens when water gets cold?
Yeah.
Where I come from, it never gets cold.
Well, hey, what a breakthrough!
You just really opened up to me there.
Your voice sounds funny.
It's called sarcasm.
They don't have that where you come from either?
No.
Well, they don't have anything, do they?
They don't have ice, or music or clothes.
What kind of a place is this, Madison?
Madison?
Madison!
Hey, those skates are rented!
Give me one second. Madison? Ahh! Madison!
Madison, please? I'm sorry!
Let her go. Show some dignity, for Christ's sake.
Madison?
(INDISTINCT)
Thanks.
(CAR HORN)
(THUNDER)
Hey, Charlie. How's it goin'?
- Allen? - What?
Yes.
If we get our blood test today, we can marry tomorrow!
Before the blood test, I have to tell you everything.
So, tell me.
- Not today. - But see,
if we get the test today, no pressure, mind you,
but if we get the blood test today,
as soon as you tell me, we can get married.
Listen, you will love being married to me.
I was born to be married.
I happen to come from a long line of married people.
My mom and dad were married.
Their moms and dads were married, too.
(PANTING)
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Son of a bitch.
I thought we were going upstairs.
Yeah, I know. I love you. I'm not gonna lose you again.
We are getting married tonight.
We're gonna drive to Maryland.
I don't know why I didn't think of it before.
Freddie always marries there. You don't need a blood test down there.
There's this dinner with the president. Damn!
Hey, that's okay! We'll go to Maryland after dinner.
We'll already be dressed up!
I haven't told you...
I know. You haven't told me this big secret.
That's okay. Tell me on the way to Maryland.
Ooh!
You know what I hope? I hope we have a boy and a girl.
What kind?
What kind? The young kind, I guess.
The older ones are a little hard to deliver.
We're getting married tonight.
- Wonderful. - Thank you.
Why is this bread in here instead of out there?
The butter is hard like a rock.
Do you have a broken arm?
No, it's fractured in 16 places.
Why are you here?
The union sent me.
(TRUMPETS PLAYING)
My God, the president is here!
The president's here. The president's here!
Hmm.
I'm just a corn-fed Kansas boy, but you are the Big Apple of my eye.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. It's great to be back in New York.
Alert. Alert. Table 5.
Intercept busboy with suspicious hump.
He's reaching! Get him now!
- Sir, I'd like a word with you, please. - About what?
This has nothing to do with the president.
This has nothing to do with the president!
(INDISTINCT)
Well, I guess he just found out what his dinner cost.
I want to talk to the press.
I have a formal statement to make!
PRESIDENT: In Bob Hollins, you have a candidate for Congress
who is in touch with the people.
A man who built up the business left to him by his grandfather.
What was once a small pushcart on wheels...
- Allen? - Yeah?
It's time for me to tell you.
What? Now?
- Right now. - Okay. Great.
- Not here. - Fine. Fine.
PRESIDENT: But more importantly, with fresh meat.
I am not crazy. There's a mermaid in there.
- Shut up. - I am a scientist!
Where's the goddamn car!
The gray BMW.
(SHOUTING)
(INDISTINCT)
Hey, I know that guy.
I saw him on Cape Cod. He was crazy then.
There she is! There she is!
- Don't let him shoot that. - That a gun?
- Hold it! - No!
Get that thing out of his hand.
Grab that hose!
Grab him! Get him!
- No! - What's going on?
I was right!
Behold the mermaid!
(CROWD GASPS)
Let me outta here!
Who are you? What is your name?
Allen!
- What do we do? - Grab her. Grab everybody.
I want to see her.
Allen!
Get her! Get her!
Allen!
Please?
- Let's pick her up. - Allen. Allen!
Allen!
Good afternoon, Dr. Ross.
MAN ON PA: Dr. Hill, line 5. Stat!
- Buckwalter. - Sir!
Gentlemen.
- Anything? - No change.
I am not a fish!
How many times do I have to tell you that?
Will you just let me out of here?
Please? Huh? People?
Let's try some interaction.
Fine. Jim?
(HOIST MOTOR)
(BEEPING)
I guess they thought you might be one.
Yeah.
I guess so.
You said whatever my secret was, you'd understand.
I know.
You thought at least I was a human being.
Allen?
He's been in the water 12 hours. He's just a man.
Get him out of there so we can concentrate on her.
Greg Martin, WMET Radio, here with Allen Bauer.
- When did you meet the mermaid? - Tell me, where did you meet?
Did you know she was a mermaid?
- Did you actually make love to her? - That's a stupid question.
Did she eat worms?
Would you have to make love to her in water?
That's none of your business.
Is she a mutant or missing link?
No, she's not.
I'm from People magazine. Is she also seeing Burt Reynolds?
For crying out loud!
Leave him alone!
Leave him alone! Get out of the way! Get out of the way!
- Let me through. - Out of the way.
- Allen, you all right? - Yeah. Get me out of here.
Is anyone here from Penthouse magazine?
- REPORTERS: No. - Then we ain't talking.
(CAR RADIO PLAYING)
Hey, Allen?
What are you looking at?
You never saw a guy who slept with a fish before?
Get back to work!
Mr. Bauer, you had a million messages. I wrote them down right here.
You got calls from CBS, NBC, ABC, AP,
UPI, Ted Turner, Time, Newsweek,
Marineland, Ripley's Believe It or Not,
and Mrs. Paul.
Not now, Mrs. Stimler.
"Fishman"?
That's what they're calling you on TV, too.
Personally, I think it's kinda cute.
So, how is she?
How is she?
She's a...
She's a mermaid.
I don't understand.
All my life I've been waiting for someone
and when I find her, she's a fish.
Nobody said love's perfect!
Oh, Freddie, I don't expect it to be perfect,
but for God's sake, it's usually human!
Every day people meet and they fall in love.
Look what I got.
Look what you got. Yeah, let's look at what you got.
Let's take a good look at what you got.
People fall in love every day, huh? Is that what you said?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
That's a crock! It doesn't work that way.
Do you realize how happy you were with her?
That is, when you weren't driving yourself crazy.
Every day? Come on.
Some people will never be that happy! I'll never be that happy.
What am I talking to you for?
You don't know nothing. Mrs. Stimler?
(BEEPING)
Does she look a little pale?
Ah, that's a good day's work.
Tomorrow, I want to see how she interacts
with other marine life, then the internal examination.
Internal examination.
Of course. I want to study her pulmonary system,
reproductive organs, everything!
Dr. Ross?
Are we considering
how the subject is responding to the examination procedure?
I'm considering everything!
Ah, yes. Well, I'm sure you are, Dr. Ross.
How stupid of me. But let me ask you this.
Are you considering the possibility that you might be a sadistic pig?
While we are baring our souls, Mr. Kornbluth,
I must honestly tell you I have never considered you a man of science.
You're not a member of my team.
Run along, Walter. See if you can't find a unicorn.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(WATER TRICKLING)
What's that?
Painkiller, Mr. Kornbluth.
Whoever punched you cracked your tooth.
We'll be very close to the nerve.
I don't deserve painkiller. Just drill.
Oh, you want pain. Well, we aim to please.
(DRILL MOTOR WHIRRING)
Get out.
- What are you... - Get out!
- Ja, ja, ja. - Please stay. Ahh!
Let's talk.
Hey, put that down.
- Put that needle down. - Stay away from me.
I said, "Let's talk." Put it down.
Stay away from me.
Ahhh!
Ahhh! Ohhh!
Uh.
Ah!
What a week I'm having!
You've destroyed my life, Kornbluth.
I didn't mean to.
I just had to prove that I wasn't crazy.
I'm a man of science.
I just didn't think about how it would affect you.
Or her.
I'm really a nice guy.
If I had friends, you could ask them.
I've been on the phone to every employee
of the United States government
calling them sons of bitches.
Nobody could even get in to see her.
I can.
Come on. Come on!
- Ahh! - Come on.
Good afternoon, Dr. Kornbluth. I wasn't expecting you today.
These are Drs. Jarred and Johannsen from the Stockholm Institute.
I thought they were coming later with Dr. Ross.
No, no. That story was to fool the press.
You know, I'm half Swedish.
(SPEAKING SWEDISH)
- Ja. - Ja.
- Oh, ja.
Well!
Just a second.
Ah.
- How the hell did you do that? - Let me tell you.
Many nudie films come from Sweden.
After you see them 400 or 500 times, the stuff sinks in.
Afternoon, Buckwalter.
Sorry, no one comes in
until Dr. Ross gets back with them Swede people.
These are the Swedish doctors.
These are Swedes?
Ah, come here.
Isn't that one kinda dark?
He's dirty from the trip!
Let us in.
- I'm not supposed to. - What are you afraid of?
Do you think we're gonna steal the mermaid?
Steal the mermaid. Stealing the mermaid!
Are we gonna fold her in half and put her in a briefcase?
In a briefcase. In half.
I guess it's all right.
Go in. Go in.
- Good joke, there. - Yeah.
(BEEPING)
- Hi. - Hi.
Is this the big secret you've been keeping?
That you're a mermaid, or is there something else?
No, that's it.
Allen, don't feel guilty.
Guilty? About what?
About not loving me anymore.
Oh, Madison.
All the time we were together, you always knew how I was feeling.
Can't you tell now?
(RAPID BEEPING)
(SINGING) Well, left my wife in New Orleans
48 kids and a can of beans
Left, right, one, two
Oh, my God!
- What? - Stand back, man.
Cover his face, for God's sake!
What happened? What's going on?
Dr. Johannsen bent down to examine that creature.
And suddenly these rays came out of her eyes!
Don't go in there! She'll melt your face off.
I knew something would happen. What should I do?
Don't whine. Seal off the area.
I'll call the Pentagon.
Are you crazy? You want to create a national panic?
I don't want to die!
Pull yourself together.
Don't let anybody in that room.
I'll be back with nuclear weapons. Come on, Doctor.
Good afternoon, Dr. Ross. Who are your guests?
Drs. Jarred and Johannsen from the Swedish Institute.
Sir?
Dr. Kornbluth left with the Swedes a few minutes ago.
Hiya, boys. Come in. The water's fine.
(LAUGHING)
Let's get her back, now! And arrest him.
(ALARM BLARING)
HELICOPTER: We have a blue BMW. Over.
- (HONKING) - Come on.
Know something? I don't think we're being followed.
Wha... Well, that was easy.
That was simple! We did it! (LAUGHING)
- WALTER: My plan. - You're a genius.
I am a genius, but you came in with the Swedish thing.
That was a brilliant touch.
I didn't even like you when we first met.
Nobody likes me when they first meet me.
(LAUGHING)
Allen?
- Move! - All right. Here we go!
(HONKING)
Suspect heading south on Broadway.
HELICOPTER: Unit One. Lost them in the Wall Street district. Over.
- Stop the car. - What?
Stop and let me out. I'll slow them down. Do it!
I caused all this. Now I'm gonna finish it.
Get the hell out of here.
Go!
Whoa! Ooh.
What a week I'm having!
(HONKING)
Hey, Mac, move that thing out of here.
Up yours, Gomer. I'm waitin' for a fare.
(TIRES SCREECH)
Heave!
All right. Move out.
Come on, let's go!
- I was ready to stay with you forever. - I know.
They know who you are. They won't leave you alone.
I can't ever come back to you.
I wish I could go with you.
You can.
- How? - It can be done.
Remember when you were eight and fell off the ship?
You were safe under the water, weren't you?
Yeah.
You were with me.
You mean, that was real?
That was you?
That was you!
This is great. This is great!
I can go with you and still come back and see Freddie at Christmas.
You can't ever come back.
(SIRENS)
Madison.
I understand.
You on the dock, don't move. You're under arrest.
Let the girl go. Step back. You're under arrest.
You have to go.
Move out. Let's go!
I love you, Madison.
Go.
Go!
Get that guy on the dock.
Leave her alone!
Madison.
Madison!
Stay where you are. We'll get you out.
(GASPING) Madison!
(GARBLED SHOUTS)
Ooh!
(MELLOW SONG PLAYING)
One fine day
Love came for me
And love was rare
As love can be
I saw stars
Shining in clear blue skies
We flowed together
Once and forever
Love came for me
One fine night
Love let us see
How far we'll go
How good we'll be
We saw a world
No one ever saw before
It was the world
Love can start
With a beat of a heart
Love came for me
I saw stars
Shining in clear blue skies
We flowed together
Once and forever
Love came for me
One fine night
Love let us see
How far we'll go
How good we'll be
We saw a world
No one ever saw before
It was the world
Love can start
With a beat of a heart
Love came for me